Head Up, Heart Open

You’re free to open your heart, at anytime.

I have a mantra. It wasn’t given to me, I more so adopted it in 2014.

You see, I did a really good job at grieving the loss of my father. When I came to terms that he had died, he wouldn’t see me get married, graduate with another degree, see me start my own business or establish a new career.. when I accepted all those things, the real work started.

I had to look at all the great memories, all the not so great memories, and find a place to put them so that I could live one day at a time, carrying his memory in my heart and making him proud. For a whole year, or more, I closed off, shut down, and held myself together with the grieving process. I closed off my heart because I couldn’t think of opening it while going through such turmoil. Under lock and key, I kept my heart safe, I kept my head on straight and I moved through the seasons with the color grey and the emotions of drab. With little to no excitement and minimal emotional reactions, I worked towards equanimity and equilibrium so I did everything I could to not be roused.

After that time, I realized I could go out, socialize, venture to the same places I did with my dad and not be hurt. It was time to start opening up my heart again but how? I did such a great job callusing and hardening, how could I open up again?

I saw an interesting image of myself walking and my chin was tucked, looking down at the ground. It was as if I thought the ground wouldn’t be there to support my every step. This was incredibly moving. I had no footing, grounding or faith that the Earth would be there under me. Further more, I was looking down, collapsing my neck and chest, hiding my heart, because that’s what I became great at. The last thing I recall was that I was approaching a major job transition, although I didn’t know it at the time, I see now that I was in that process.

As I began to emerge from this great sadness, I had to change my posture to reflect confidence. I had to walk, knowing that the Earth was below me and that each step forward was a step in the right direction. It was like movement was non-negotiable, I had to keep forward momentum because if I didn’t I wouldn’t just stop at a stand still, I would regress and I didn’t want that.

I had to start walking with my chin lifted, eyes to the horizon and shoulders back. This inevitably opened my heart. I had to walk with confidence and keep my eye on the “prize,” end game, goal, whatever it was. I needed to keep my head high and heart open when talking to people less than kind to me, I had to keep my heart open when speaking about my dad instead of closing off and hoarding those memories. I had to walk around, knowing my every move would make my dad proud and he wouldn’t want his little girl walking with a sad head, rounded back, grey eyes and sunken in chest.

It took me years to get this part and honestly, I still struggle with its vulnerable and open feeling, especially when feeling attacked or defensive.

My mantra of “Head Up Heart Open” was a reminder that it’s safe to open, feel and emote. There may have been a time when I thought the best defense was to harden and close off, but approaching my grief with compassion, honesty, forgiveness, and kindness trumps fear and doubt. I didn’t have to be trapped in the confines I made for myself, I could open, branch and be more relatable without the chest armor I was adorned in before. By opening my heart, I could see and feel more good than bad, more happiness than sad and more jovial interactions than defensive ones.

So, you are in total control of how much you open and close your heart and how much it hardens. Like a muscle, the heart is flexible so it’s okay to retreat momentarily. Know that it will contract slightly and opening little by little, daily, will stretch the heart to open again. When you open it to the world, you can really see how much the world has to offer and that’s the right place to be, grieving or not.